Once again, after completing the chapter, we are sent back to check in with Mario rather than Peach and Bowser. All those unsolved questions need answers before we can move on. We start, of course, with Cortez kicking us out.
...OK, who told Flavio? Is he following us too?
See? No fog over on this side. You'd think this fog would at least be in the background. Maybe the fog machine effect looked bad. It's bad in every way.
...Did I not get healed for the new Star Power slot? Weird. I definitely got healed on everything else, including my pre-existing Star Power.
Badge re-jiggering for the boss we're about to fight.
Four-Eyes has already run off, of course.
...I think this might be talking about Cortez punting us out of the ship, although the fight itself may also be a good argument.
I think this is a Toad. It does look like the tail is pointing at Frankie, though.
That line is so amazing. The mild sass and the general detachment from reality in the question.
This Toad in the back has a suggestion: a newly formed cracked wall.
I think I know a guy.
The Toads here are still smouldering a little from the pressure. We need to get them some fresh air, stat.
Sounds like the answer is going to be yes, though.
Everybody out!
First the Toad who pointed the crack out, then the Piantas, then everyone else.
And then the Toad who's been doing most of the talking.
So yeah, remember how I pointed out we were on this side of the island, more or less? Turns out we came out at the docks!
All the Toads have amassed here- although they don't have a plan for getting off the island either.
You can even talk to people around here! It's mostly just for flavour.
What you do at the bottom of a pile of Toads is your business. And also the business of all the Toads.
...Oh hey, that's cute. About your brother...
These two are just happy to be out in the open.
Right, time for our day of reckoning with the crew.
I think we all knew that was a thing.
It's Pa-Patch, who gets angry about our strange sense of compromising with an unrelenting guardian we couldn't really expect to beat forever. I mean, it's definitely the character who'd get the angriest about it.
...That is not how I expected that to be defused. Considering the circumstances, I don't really think we can be blamed for saying "we'll get ours, and you're just screwed, I guess", and this is just not the game to have the crew ready to mutiny against us for such a selfish display of greed. I mean, they're all here to steal treasure that's not theirs, how much can they throw stones?
We interrupt this regularly scheduled conversation about whether or not how we handled Cortez was the correct decision (it totally was) to bring you this family reunion between the nervous Toad and his wayward brother.
I think this entire plot development, on both sides, is developed only through this character's optional text, and so if you play the game without talking to NPCs, this comes out of nowhere.
Fortunately, he has been reunited with his brother and all is well. Now we can relax and...
...
So how are we getting home?
Good question. I think it's...
...somebody shooting cannons at us.
All eyes are drawn to the culprit...
The X-Naut army. Yeah, they could have used this boat the whole time, but how would they know where to shoot without Mario?
And there can be only one man in charge. Because... there is only one commanding X-Naut, for some reason.
Four-Eyes.
It's impressive, how the "helpfulness" of Four-Eyes was an act. It was pretty obvious he was evil even if you didn't know who he was.
I mean... he has a ship. We do not. Can you argue with him?
The crew is a little slower on the uptake- I don't think they know who the X-Naut Army is, let alone Lord Crump.
I think that's the nervous Toad? It's a little hard to tell where the tail is pointing.
Another cannon blasts, and Four-Eyes just stares at his former allies like they're complete numbskulls. Assuming he has room to throw stones.
He has completely and totally got us outgunned and outmatched, and our reaction is to not even realise he's a bad guy. Where is the running around and screaming!? This beach is like 95% Toad, how is there no running around and screaming!?
This is the formal reveal, although the player was not expected to be fooled at all. Interestingly, there's an unused animation for Lord Crump where his horn flops down and he has to push it back up. I feel like that would've been used somewhere in this scene, where his Four-Eyes disguise comes back to meet him.
Right, Crump, let's make one thing clear: You are not the mastermind of anything. This entire plan was almost certainly someone else's devising, and it is a miracle that you managed to get it to work. You teleporting into Pirate's Grotto to be suspicious and then teleporting back out here is proof enough. You will never be a mastermind.
With that said, no matter who put you into it, you are in a winning position and I have nothing to counter you with.
I love the perfection of him making the threat and then the cannon shooting. It's a very basic threat, but it's so effective at shoring up the weaknesses of making a comic relief villain have the upper hand.
Who let this man have access to gunpowder? Clearly someone who didn't care about Keelhaul Key standing after he was done.
I do not believe the crew is ever informed as to the nature of the X-Naut Army and Crump's true purpose. "They're pirates" should suffice for this interaction, and ideally, they can live the rest of their lives without even thinking about them again. Let's not bog down this moment with explaining what the hell is going on.
Flavio has the right idea: We can't stay here. He also has the wrong idea: We can't go anywhere else.
Pa-Patch makes an argument here phrased in a rather peculiar way. Everyone here (except Mario and the Piantas) is a sailor by trade, and on the open sea, they might have an answer to Crump. But without a boat, we're literal cannon fodder.
Pa-Patch's phrasing drew attention to the strengths of the sailors: We need a boat.
And Flavio, with whatever neurons are firing in that empty head of his, remembers that there is one working boat still on this island...
The Pirate King's.
You could not have made that sound any less pathetic if you tried. But yes, somewhere in our explanation, we mentioned that Cortez is holed up in his old ship, and Flavio has connected that functioning ship to something that might be useful in fighting back against Crump.
It's a ghost ship. It can't sink.
Someone makes the obvious counterargument:
Cortez is feared across the high seas for a reason. We stole his treasure- a less valuable one, but one nonetheless- and strutting in demanding he give more is arrogant to the highest extreme.
We question Flavio on many things: His bravery, his intelligence, his integrity, his pleasantness to be around... but one thing we have never questioned is his commitment to the mission. Flavio will do what he can for everyone, because this is his mission too. He's just... not very good at anything we needed.
Flavio points out one rather decisive argument: We're dead out here. Cortez can be reasoned with. And hey, if we get skewered like a kebab, at least we tried.
So back we go, Flavio in tow, to a skeleton we didn't exactly leave happy.
Glad somebody did.
So much for a touching reunion.
...It may be a good idea for everybody to follow me into Pirate's Grotto anyway. It'll be safer in there.
Frankie's ready to step up, as soon as he figures out what he can do other than carry Francesca to safety.
...Second time's the charm?
Cortez, predictably, is not particularly pleased to see us.
And Flavio immediately breaks down into nervous tears. He does not, however, run and leave the oral argument to us. He is no match for Cortez and will melt into a golden puddle if Cortez so much as looks at him funny, but he is the only one who can make a convincing enough argument.
Good question. There are hostile pirates.
This is absolutely amazing. Although it does mean the only reason Flavio is still breathing- hyper or otherwise- is the fact Cortez is absolutely confused by how incredibly brave or how incredibly stupid this man is for being in his presence.
He babbles out his explanation, thankfully mentioning the pirate bit.
That is probably the most informally Flavio has ever been addressed. He's a rich man, everyone's deferential to him, but here is somebody with nothing to lose.
Cortez delivers a decisive argument: This isn't a functional ship. It floats, yes, but it doesn't actually go anywhere.
And in doing so, accidentally reveals a key weakness for Flavio to exploit.
Bet you were wondering what else this thing was good for, huh? Also, Flavio has lost all of his nerves. He knows what a good card he just got dealt. He has something Cortez wants. And if Cortez wants to claim it back, he's going to have to play Flavio's game.
And Cortez is absolutely hopping mad about it.
Flavio offers the simple trade to begin: If Cortez wants this family heirloom of Flavio's, Flavio will take one trip in the ship to save his crew.
And all of a sudden, Flavio's getting comfy. I'm not sure about "old friend", though. I get Flavio trying to call him friendly, but this has connotations of them having been acquainted in the past, when this is not true.
However, Flavio's ancestors have met Cortez. One of them stole the Skull Gem in the first place, keeping it in the family as a trophy. Yes, of course the guy dressed like George Washington is a colonialist, why did you even have to ask?
...With or without the cannons? One of those sounds awesome to me. But yeah, that Skull Gem is rightfully Cortez's, and he's not going to consider a righted wrong sufficient to lend a hand to the blood of his hated enemy.
Fortunately, Flavio does know a way to sweeten the deal. He still has Mario- and we can still fight Cortez. We can't win, but we can sure as heck keep him busy.
And Flavio doesn't need long to run away, find some open ocean, and chuck the Skull Gem where it will be lost forever. We have nothing to lose. If Cortez lets this happen, he's doomed to an eternity of guarding this treasure in boredom, just as he's been stuck doing for centuries.
Cortez is absolutely frustrated he's being forced to give us more than he's getting back.
But he admits defeat. He's a pirate king, and this is a title earned by fearsomeness on the high seas moreso than any skill at negotiating or diplomacy.
And if there's one thing self-important rich bastards are good at, it's arguing their way to greater wealth than they are entitled to.
It would be nice if it didn't feel quite like Cortez could've taken it at any time, but limitations of the medium. I'm sure Flavio was holding it someplace where Cortez couldn't have done a careless stabbing the whole time.
Cortez is free to set sail once more. Him being holed up in Keelhaul Key was just as much a product of losing the Skull Gem as it was actual malice.
And hey, it's not like he's a neutral party in this conflict. He's on this island too, and even if the X-Nauts can't do anything to stop him, it's not like he enjoys the experience of watching them try.
Cortez reckons he's got somebody to flex his old muscles on. If he still had any.
...Thank you, Flavio. Only you could've done it.
I still haven't figured out if your decision to fund this expedition in the first place was because you were too rich or too foolish.
This is Cortez's room, all right. I guess you'd call this the captain's cabin. Sure is a lot of treasure in here... You could live many lives of luxury with this... And I'll tell you, lots of this stuff has archaeological value, as well... You think maybe we could pocket a little bit without Cortez noticing?
This is the only chance we'll have to be in this room and Tattle in it, and Goombella really pushing her luck. We were lucky to get what we have, don't blow it.
...I mean, they are sailors and mafia men, I guess they're good enough for what we'll be doing.
("All for one, guys" is being said by Francesca. You can barely tell on the image, because the tail isn't very obvious, but she's the one who lip flaps.)
...Where are you, Pa-Patch?
Oh, up there.
You've been out of action the whole thousand years, huh? It may be safe to assume Cortez is fudging the number up to a round thousand slightly, but he definitely had to be active to steal a Crystal Star, so how long afterwards until Flavio's ancestor got to him? And didn't realise what else he had?
Cortez's crew and the lost souls he surrounds himself with are on our side now.
So yeah, remember how I mentioned they weren't done with the song? Flavio sung the song so often Crump is sorta taking his anger out about having to listen to it so often. They went to all the effort of properly integrating it into the world, they figured they might as well throw in a mention afterwards, to make it more than just a clue.
But Cortez is furious.
The fact this cliff face rips like paper is almost definitely because of the visual motif, but I like to imagine that in a realistic setting, the cliff face tears open like paper anyway. This ship should not be doing that. Why is it doing that? Oh gods it's a ghost ship
And by the way, the X-Naut's tension theme has been replaced by Cortez's battle theme. I almost feel like the song was composed for this scene first and used in the boss fight second.
The two ships sail around one another, and Crump has picked up some X-Nauts to man his sail. This is so obviously a win for Crump, his ship is so much more durable, but Cortez's rotten boards still have some wind in their sails.
And withstands a hull-to-hull collision. Also, if you watch closely while this circling takes place, you can totally tell Cortez's ship has far better turning. Crump did like a quarter circle to get to this point. Cortez did nearly a full loop in the same time.
Crump gets angry and cries about it.
Cortez's command is so much more bone-chilling.
MOOK FIGHT! The X-Nauts leap into action fighting the Toads and Embers.
While they keep 'em busy, we'll take out the head. That is what we're good for.
Oh hey, we actually leap across the ships to enter battle.
Crump, alone, battles to the same theme as Magnus von Grapple.
And it seems he is no better at petty pre-battle banter.
That's Lord Crump. Not this guy again... Ugh. Max HP is 30, Attack is 3, and Defense is 0. He just attacks normally, so don't worry much about him… But… those X-Nauts all around him are a force to be reckoned with. They're going to attack us with all kinds of weird moves, I can just FEEL it! If we take out their leader, though, they won't have the focus to attack. Get Crump!
Lord Crump is as pathetic as you expect him to be. He's upgraded his butt stop to 3 damage since the Prologue, but that is the only move he will ever do.
That's an X-Naut platoon. Crump commands them all. Where'd they come from? Their Max HP depends on their condition, but Attack is 5 and Defense is 0. They're gonna come at us with coordinated group maneuvers, I'm sure. …But they're pretty wimpy, so we should be able to handle it, don'tcha think?
Despite having a unique Tattle, they do not have a unique entry in the Tattle Log, so having Tattled the X-Nauts lets us see their HP just fine. The X-Nauts, plural, will fight in numbers this battle. No matter how they are amassed, however, they will always deal around 5 damage for their action. This formation will attempt to attack Mario at once, dealing 5 damage.
And I swear, whoever on the dev team let them hold items on spawn...
Mario takes out the formation with distinction.
Leaving Crump as helpless as ever.
How's that for boom-bassa-boom?
...Right, let me demonstrate it first.
Oh, I think you'll find we will.
Next formation happens when Crump is running low on HP.
The hanging X-Nauts have two attacks: Dropping five of them on someone's head to deal five hits of 1 damage, or dropping a pair of forks on our heads to deal 4 damage to both characters.
Annoyingly, Flurrie wasn't quite enough.
They went for the drop.
Figured I might as well see them fall down once.
Right, let's get this over with.
...That is exactly enough healing to bring him back to full HP. I always thought it went over, but no.
And he comes back with all of the X-Nauts.
You are almost aced. We just need to do it again.
Crump is alrso ready to show us his newest trick:
The X-Naut Ball.
Five damage to both characters. Less Power Lift, of course.
Hey, he actually did some damage with his own attack! Someone call somebody who cares!
10 HP, that's not so bad.
Goombella can deal with that now.
So then, Crump, are you aced yet?
That answer that question. Crump can spend his turn summoning more men if necessary.
...And that was an unfortunate arrangement. I'm one star off getting another point in both stats.
Still, that's enough to take out the platoon again.
Not sure what use you thought that would be, Merlee, but points for effort?
...Maybe he doesn't use a turn doing this.
Well, killing him serves just as well.
That's a boss clear for us.
Very good question. Everything was going so right for you this time- you have the numbers, you have the overwhelming advantage, and all you had to do was blast us to bits. And somehow you stuffed that up.
Grodus is gonna be furious. Consider yourself lucky you'll still have legs to run away with.
Koops: Hey, all right! We did it! He shouldn't bother us anymore... for a while.
Flurrie: Why, we've done it, Mario! I daresay he won't trouble us for some time, hmm?
Dr. Agon: Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
Vivian: Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
Bobbery: We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be too keen on seeing us again, eh?
Ms. Mowz: Mmmm... Well done, Mario! That man won't bother us for a while, I imagine.
I'll be amazed if he ever gets thrown at us again. Except as garbage disposal.
Everyone starts cheering about it, although these are the only lines they throw.
Next time: So how do we get off this island, anyhow?
No comments:
Post a Comment