Let us begin.
Bowser has apparently dealt with Francis occasionally, but hasn't had the resources or interest to actually look into firing back.
It looks bigger, although it does also happen to be closer. Don't worry, Bowser, your castle is still cooler. With that said, though, there's something hilarious this castle has that Bowser's doesn't in this game specifically.
"We've been gone a while. I'm just saying..."
And then we get a cutaway to seeing exactly how all right, or otherwise, Tippi is.
It could be far worse. It could also be far better.
This is not helping. The thing about Tippi as an undocumented "digibutterfly" is interesting, insomuch as digibutterflies exist, although what she does happen to be is something Francis is never going to correctly conclude (not because he's a bad guy, but because he's had zero exposure to the plot points that are necessary to even begin explaining it). When he starts telling her to shake her thorax, that's when his ignorance is less excusable, because there's no reason to say that unless you're being creepy.
I don't think we ever stop him from doing this. Or, well, notice. I think he probably decides against it, for reasons related to being humiliated after our victory.
Yup. That's the worst kind of nerd, all right. Yes, his sense of his own intelligence is overinflated, how did you know?
So yeah, to answer Bowser's question about what Fort Francis has over Bowser's Castle? The gate gets locked.
There's a pipe behind that conspicuously lighter patch of wall.
OK, so maybe Francis's lock isn't substantively better than Bowser's, but still. He does, in fact, lock his gate.
So then, supergenius, what other plans do you have to keep us from running rampant through your house?
...It's... a kitten robot. I can't even call it fluffy, it's not fluffy.
The dungeon theme for Fort Francis. As much as this is a dungeon.
That is a Meowmaid. Francis made these robots to do everything for him... He is quite fond of robotic cats...
These slow-moving Meowmaids in the opening rooms are NPCs, and not hostile to us. They do not even seem to notice we're even "not Francis." He should probably fix that.
Something you probably won'tnotice unless you know it's there, but there's a pipe behind the door to go down. It is not mandatory to go down this pipe, although I suppose it's the best way to get the goodies behind it.
We come out in another hidden entranceway, and a ceiling pipe at that. Some Mario games use ceiling pipes to communicate "this is one-way", but in this game, we can jump up them.
That's a PatrolMeow. These security bots patrol Fort Francis day and night... Max HP is 5. Attack is 2. Defense is 1. Defense against fire is 2. They look cute, but if they spot you, they'll go into battle mode... I think Francis bought these robots on the Internet and customized them himself...
Presumably, this means his ability to bugfix them is at a premium. PatrolMeows are simple "bonk 'em and leave" sorts of enemies- that extra point of Defence against fire is no help to them when Bowser already oneshots them anyway. Their only attack is to turn on their siren and approach your position rapidly, hanging around under your feet for easy bonkability.
Huh, flip-block in 2D. We can jump on top of that platform in 2D anyway.
Remember these codes, they'll be important later. I believe the goroawase on these two is "nyanya" and "nii-san nii-san", for some good ol' Francis being moderately creepy.
In the far end of the room, we can find a Pixl. It is absolutely necessary that we find this Pixl to get to Francis, of course, but the intended way of finding him is a bit roundabout.
They locked him in a normal cage. A few Pixls are found outside treasure chests- actually, I think all of them except two optional ones are at this point- and how exactly they spent the full 1500 years isn't particularly clear. Some of them probably did spend time in chests, but this one, no idea.
A big switch needs a big push. I don't think this is necessary, but if jumping doesn't work, this seems like the only thing that would.
We saved our folding friend! From what? Boredom. Also, we just met him, so we're just assuming this'll be friendly.
Fortunately, there is no reason to come back here whatsoever.
Ohohoho... yes. And also no.
...Yeah, probably a good idea. But if you're anything like your friends...
The questions may not actually relate to anything relevant to the point they want to make, or anything in particular.
These questions are just for fun, go with whatever sings to you. A lot of people seem to like the flattering ones to be ironic, but I'd rather not.
He'll say the same thing no matter what you put in his mouth. The Pixls really get tiring telling the same joke in different flavours.
I wonder if she knows how broken she is.
Time for us to talk about the absolutely busted mess that is Carrie and her hovering platform.
The game advertises a speed increase and the ability to cross hazardous terrain, like Spike from 64. These are the most incidental parts of her functionality.
Here we are, using the platform as intended.
Here we are, not doing so. By standing on top of Carrie, we are not only as agile as we are normally (if not moreso, considering the speed increase and the easier turning), but we are always considered grounded and may use Peach and Bowser's crouch techniques while airborne. Bowser + Carrie in general is incredibly broken because it fixes Bowser's balancing weaknesses, and using the combination is a winning strategy in any boss fight that doesn't demand you use another one. I will be actively playing without. Carrie on her own (and even Peach + Carrie) will be allowed, especially since Carrie also allows you to jump on spiked enemies, but Bowser + Carrie is too much for this poor game.
That's Carrie. You can ride on this Pixl to glide over water or spiky gaps. Francis locked Carrie up in the dungeon of his geeky lair... Carrie is all about feelings and being on the same wavelength...
...Well, that's all we did get from her.
This pipe doesn't go down.
This meowmaid is in charge of keeping track of all game and comic release dates. The earlier model once forgot to report the release of Francis's favorite game...
There are four meowmaids in this big hallway, each with their own little notice for Francis's nerdy habits. We could all use robots who reminded us of our street dates so readily.
Baseball, football, all the sports need to stay in their lane. Dedicated sports channels really help with that, I don't want to have to deal with this knock-on effect.
This Meowmaid records all of Francis's favorite shows with the digital Recordomeow... Francis makes it talk in a squeaky voice... A feature that makes him giddy...
I... have no idea what fetish this is a reference to, and I suspect I'm happier not knowing. Perhaps it's the emulation of "nya" cat speak? I feel like there are better ways to communicate that.
Francis is currently occupying that room behind the massive kitty door. Our objective is to find two keys to it. We can also spy through the keyholes, but I'd rather deal with the meowmaids first.
This Meowmaid stores and catalogues all of Francis's anime shows... It spends its afternoons updating the video database and making new videos... At night, it spends hours moving Francis's old videos to digital form...
The back two meowmaids don't really have Tattles matching thier chapter dialogue. But yeah, removing commercial breaks. I still need to learn to master the editing techniques to do that.
This Meowmaid orders and organizes all of Francis's video games... It organizes every game in order of how much Francis complained about them...
That can be ordered? This game's sequel is probably at one end of that order.
Right, let's examine these keyholes.
...Moving on. I do like that they have these at all, but...
This meowmaid in the next room is special.
This Meowmaid manages Francis's towering collection of books and comics... It puts a plastic cover on every comic without ever touching the comic itself... It's usually really snarky, but it becomes sweet as a kitten around Francis...
I have the solemn duty to inform you that yes, this Meowmaid is set to tsundere. You don't even need the Japanese version to tell you that: one of its later lines has a "...Jerk" that tells you all to need to know even in the English version. In text form, her little resentful comments read more like the game's usual meta humour than tsundere cattiness, which helps alleviate the annoyance of the latter.
Anyway, the way forward is up through 3D here.
This is a SurpriseMeow. Francis created this security bot to patrol the castle. Max HP is 1 and Attack is 2. It is heavily armored, so don't bother attacking it... If you want to beat it, throw something in its open mouth that can damage it...
"Surprise", they call it, when it blares that siren and shoots at you if you so much as exist on the same map as it. SurpriseMeow is completely invincible to all forms of damage except throwing its one weakness in. There's only one object you can throw into their mouths in these rooms.
This Meowbomb is a cat-shaped robot programmed to explode on contact... Max HP is 1, Attack is 2, and Defense is 1. Meowbomb was created with one mission: snuggle and destroy...
These adorable little Meowbombs. "Snuggle and destroy", that's a cute one I never get to see. They will chase you around and blow up when their timer hits 0. If you bounce on them, you're OK, but the real killer is when there's a bunch of them.
Also when you keep going to pick them up and not throwing them before they blow up. It takes time!
Just as aggravating is when you throw the Meowbomb and it doesn't count.
There.
This room's just a long one for a lot of PatrolMeows, as well as two doors to enter for the two keys.
They're, uh... kept on the top shelf.
So who is this sign for? Do the Meowmaids have the capacity for being unaware of Francis's house rules, or the free will to bend them? Francis is either unaware of the rules of robotics that his favourite media would likely either have or teach, or he knowingly flouts them because he thinks he doesn't need to worry about them.
The moral of the story is that we don't give a crap about his naptime. We know he's up.
There's another 3D-only path in this far door, but this one's a little too high for Mario.
You need to Peach jump first, then Mario can get up.
And deal with another of these jerks.
That's an AirMeow. These security bots patrol the skies around Fort Francis... Max HP is 5. Attack is 2. Defense is 1. Defense against fire is 2. They will attack any invader they see... I think Francis bought these robots on the Internet and customized them himself...
Out here on the balcony, we can look over and see some flying security robots to divebomb us.
This one's sole purpose is to be thrown at this switch, and it will respawn until you use it for such.
That forms a bridge to the "other side". Other side? Don't ask me how this castle's designed. I'm not nearly that nerdy.
Oh, you're back. Whatever.
This is a SecuriMeow. It guards Fort Francis from intruders... But I find it hard to fear something with such adorable glasses...
These Meowmaids are the real guards of Fort Francis. We're not getting those keys without getting past them.
They're the only ones that ask for a password. Everyone else either takes us at our word or goes in for the kill first.
They have better than that, don't worry.
...Yes? They may not be classical musical compositions, but they are composed by hard-working composers with the goal of making something you can listen to over and over and not get irritated.
...Episode 127? This series is popular.
He lives in a castle staffed by robots. I think he has the money to afford a collection. Whether he's spent it, on the other hand...
Now we're taking this seriously.
Luckily, we already grabbed the passwords earlier-
...What
Well damn.
Beat the Chain Chomp, use the block to press down the button, get out.
...Although I'm sure Bowser could've done it by himself.
This is where we come out. As mentioned, you don't have to enter the pipe behind the fortress entrance, although this is a long way around.
Double checking the codes. If you're wondering, I tried to use the right password on the left door. Mixed up the order of these two doors.
At least the SurpriseMeow is gone.
When you come back to this bridge after solving the puzzle, the one respawning AirMeow is replaced by a flock of AirMeows. Pretty easy to dodge, but...
That's more like it.
OK, someone really should teach this guy budgeting. Then again, I suppose at this much finances, this is the point.
That's a BigMeow. It's a robot made to attend to certain sensitive rooms... They were designed for centuries of service, so they do not take any damage... But they can hit you, so do be careful...
Francis's two password-protected rooms are treasaure troves of fanservicey collector's items to appreciate, guarded by a slow-moving enemy that you can't kill- and it won't notice you unless you jump on it, and even then that just makes it stop moving for a moment.
In here, we have a poster of Lady Bow, plushes of Pennington, the Yoshi Kid (in a few of his colours) and various Punies.
Also a Mushroom.
Don't forget to actually read the shelves! There's content in here, too! Starting with this book, which... I can't exactly say it's the case, but it does kinda feel like, with the whole "we're not supposed to like Francis" angle, that this is supposed to be the devs disapproving of this sort of thing. This is probably the equivalent of a book about Ocarina of Time's many, many speedrun-viable tricks (such a book would probably be a chunky boy), many of which exploit developer errors rather than developer-intended fancy techniques.
It's somewhat ironic, then, that both Paper Mario 64 and Super Paper Mario are heavily glitched speedgames. Thousand-Year Door is a little sturdier, although there are ways.
The stereotypes of nerds right there. "Autistic people like trains!" (as if trains aren't pure bundles of awesome), "They're not dolls, they're action figures!" (why are these things wrong?) and "creepy stalkers who couldn't get a girl if they tried" (no, I'm not defending him from that one).
Look, if you want things that aren't reissues to sell, sell them.
There's also some goodies here in 3D. Not much in this room, other than the massive game collection.
Up on the top shelf, we can get a better look at some more Yoshi Kid colours, a few more Punies (I'm noticing a fondness for Petuni), and the classic SMW/Paper Mario Fire Flower design, which I'm not 100% sure is anywhere else in the game.
This is why we were here.
Also, there's a poster on the ceiling. Can't quite get a good glimpse of it, although I notice Lady Bow's poster is also here.
Anyway, what's behind door number 2?
(You don't actually need to use Bowser to knock them down, I'm just being mean.)
This is the one mandatory use for Carrie in 3-4.
This is a SecuriMeow. It is programmed to be impervious to computer viruses... Look at those adorable glasses...
"Private room" versus "super-secret lair". Potaeto potato, but I wonder if we're supposed to think of him as sleeping in the former.
(Yes, the two SecuriMeows have different Tattles.)
Same deal here, different questions.
...Then how are you supposed to read them? Don't tell me you just fall in line with the common rhetoric- he totally does, doesn't he?
Hahahahaha AHAHAHAHAHAHA... He's not joking, is he? This was a fairly common opinion back in 2007, but these days, more sane heads have prevailed. RPGs- and honestly, most stories in all mediums- can't carry themselves for 180 hours, and so even the longest stories fall down to around 60, using side quests and DLC expansions to create new stories set in the same world or expand on elements that got glossed over in the main story. Video games, as one of the few mediums that can be perused non-consecutively, can make excellent use of this sort of variety to maintain attention.
No, next question.
In all seriousness, all references to Francis's fondness for "fanny packs" are changed to "bum bags" in the European translation- the word "fanny" is a crude sexual term in the UK (specifically referring to a woman's front side). Now the accessory is crass to everybody!
You want me to input 2323.
Peach giggles.
There's a different type of door here, though.
A luxury elevator. I think this does put us on a similar floor to the other room- the left door had a puzzle for us to go up and then right, this has us go right and then up. The distances are definitely fudged.
More posters on this side. We can see more Petuni (...dude, she's a kid), Meowbombs, Bow, and... some posters I don't fully recognise on sight.
Another Mushroom in here- this one seems to be the bigger variety. Also worth mentioning are the consoles in the top-left: We can see a Nintendo 64, a Gamecube, a Famicom, a Super Nintendo and a Virtual Boy. Because no collection is complete without that!
The sun is bright outside so I'm going to stay in and watch "The Blubbening."
Season One has better writing and voice acting than the later seasons. I mean, COME ON. Everything went totally downhill after the big dream sequence. Still, the animation in the scenes where Tubba Blubba battles robots is schweet. Season Three was obviously just a vehicle for selling action figures and vehicles!
I never understood why they changed the sound effect when the princess appears. It was "Deet-dinga-deet-ling!" then suddenly it was "Dinga-deet-dinga-ling!" As if no one would notice! Pffft! True fans care about important stuff like that.
They should totally run the show without commercials and let fans suggest story lines! That's what the fans want, and we're the only ones that matter.
I guess I'll still buy "The Blubbening" box set. The preorder bonus is a costume! While I wait for it to come, I'll go online and tell everyone it's stupid.
On this shelf is Francis going a long rant, checking off just about every nerdy complaint one can have with one's favourite show, along with the implicit judgement of "why are you still buying it, then, dummy?" Such criticisms usually come with the implication that the complainer should instead consume something else more to their liking, an implication with merit (especially when the complaints relate to the work not providing things that the genre does not want or need), but really, complainers more or less understand it's somewhat difficult to discuss works that wrap everything up in a neat little bow. "It's well executed, I loved the themes. Moving on." There's a reason the works that maintain a strong, dedicated vocal contingent to both praise and denounce are the ones that offer ample opportunities for both.
-Excess Express train set
-Ms. Mowz doll with real smooching action
-Survival-horror romance sim "Larry Koopa: Zombie Heartbreaker"
-Magnus Von Grapple figure
-Tanooki suit made with real tanooki fur
-"Harder Than Bedrawk: The Rawk Hawk Story" DVD
-Issue 47 of "Cyborg Wart"
And that radio-controlled Professor Frankly. And a lot more schweet stuff.
"Tanooki suit with real fur" probably helped get them in trouble with PETA in six years. "Tanookis" are not real creatures, but they are based on the "tanuki", a real life Japanese animal ascribed magical properties in myths and legends. Mario's Tanooki suit grants him more of the magical powers.
Most of the rest of this stuff is fairly reasonable merchandise in a world where Mario was somehow more merchandise-driven than it already is (and some of it is stuff I kind of want now), although there's a few joke entries in there. "Ms. Mowz doll with smooching action" was a joke regardless of when a real-life equivalent was first made, but I think "survival-horror romance sim" is an actual genre with a dedicated fanbase now. Now, whether they'd want a story focused on Larry Koopa (the Koopaling that doesn't really have much of a personality of his own) is a question unto itself.
Of course, Francis's currently plugged-in console is a Wii.
Anyway, enough gushing, we need to move on.
Open door!
...We need to put in both keys, of course.
...Dammit, foiled at the last moment.
...OK, this is very much a hilarious way to go about security, but at this point in the process, we've already been through both of your nerd lairs. There's probably enough of a small fortune in both of those rooms to set us up for life even without visiting the room you're currently in (which has very little stuff, valuable or otherwise).
The kitty lasers exist in 3D, too. We need to leave the room to get them to stop firing.
OK, last hurrah, is Peach a "totally hot babe"?
Looks like she is.
...
Fuck.
No, the "Meow" is not part of the answer.
...Unlike his passwords, these are questions he expects to be answered by the same group of people he calls "hot babes". Francis, I'm sorry, but I think this question will get you more lesbians than not. Maybe he's holding out for a bi wife? I don't know if I like the implications of that.
...Seriously, how does this lizard have the money to afford this.
This was supposed to sound funny back in 2007. Post-Steam, this became a lot more common. Go on Steam Achievements and look up the percentage of the playerbase who's acquired the first achievement possible in a game. It is depressing how fast some of those numbers fall to 50%.
...Dude's got a point.
Oh hey, they actually had the line outright.
(I'm assuming "Fire-punching" involves the toy's arm spinning or thrusting when you push a button.)
... ... ...I guess he doesn't specify which one of them was the toxic one? It was probably Francis. And the other guy dumped him, he's just pretending he did it to salvage his ego.
No? Most nerds tend to devalue the cover- especially in an age where covers are less and less meaningful- or at least focus heavily on the storyline to the detriment of the other contents. Was this actually an opinion back in 2007? Do I need to ask if IS was actually concerned about it?
(It sounds as though this is the opinion of a comic book collector.)
Yes, there's going to be a mint-condition copy in the middle of a pile of comics. Store clerks are smarter than that. They don't want the customer's grubby fingers all over it.
OK, we can point and laugh at him all we like, but this one's also relatively common, and moreso in the modern era. Media is supposed to touch our hearts, and what's more of a heart-touching moment than a character we admire that strongly? At some point, a healthy pipeline would be to start shipping that character with another character, get a handle on relationship dynamics, and then start looking for a real person to emulate those dynamics with.
Most people who fall for an anime character instead of a real person feel isolated from society, and while that's a lot of incels who do it to themselves, others just simply haven't been adequately prepared to feel vulnerable. I'm not saying Francis is in the latter group, but...
This one's the popular one. Some of these complaints have merit: Especially the parts where they explain why they haven't played it. Others... after enough time trying to explain feudalism and colonialism to Three Houses players, one starts to wonder.
This question is original to the English translation. Between the three doors, there's a few Japanese questions you won't find here, as well as some clarifications on the old ones:
- "I like anime songs!" (『アニメソングが スキだ！』)
- "Buying manga and promotional items makes me happier than eating delicious things." (『おいしいものを 食べるよりも マンガや グッズを 買う方が シアワセ』)
- "Once I start collecting action figures, I can't stop until I complete the collection." (『フィギュアを あつめはじめると コンプリートせずには いられない』)
- "I cover my comics neatly." (『コミックには きちんと カバーを かける』)
- "The TV programs I watch most are of course anime." (『一番 よく観ている テレビ番組は もちろん アニメ』)
- "I don't need good-looking clothes if I have T-shirts and jeans." (『Ｔシャツと ジーンズが あれば ほかに かっこいい ふくは いらない』)
- "When in doubt, buy it!" (『まよったら とりあえず 買う』)
- "If it's limited edition, buy it!" (『げんてい品は まよわず 買う』)
- "I've bought over three games that I haven't played." (『買ったまま あそんでいない ゲームが ３本いじょう ある』)
- "I'd rather buy something and regret it than not buying something and regret it." (『買わなかったことを こうかいするなら 買って こうかいする方を 選ぶ』)
- "I'm an adult, so I can buy things like an adult [as I imagined in my childhood]." (『オトナだから オトナ買いだ』)
- "Completing a collection is a meaningful activity." (『コンプリートすることに いぎがある』)
- "The cover and illustration of a novel are more important than the content." (『小説は ないようよりも カバーや イラストの方が 大事だ』)
- "When buying books, I take not the top copy of a pile but the one two books below to the register." (『本を 買うときは 一番上でなく ２さつ下のものを レジに もって行く』)
- "My first love was an anime character." (『はつ恋の 相手は アニメキャラだ』)
- "Meals fill one's stomach. Action figures fill one's heart." (『ゴハンは おなかが みたされる フィギュアは 心が みたされる』)
Huh. Pretty much all the questions referencing the Grodus Chronicles and Starship X-Naut seem to be new. Interesting. Other notes to be made about 1:1 comparisons:
- "Anime songs" were changed to "video game soundtracks". Anime songs are basically just "normal" songs, but made specifically for anime, so I'm not sure why it'd be weirder to enjoy them.
- I'm with Francis. Delicious food is temporary, and I don't even have a wide palate anyway.
- "Once I start, I can't stop" is still a stubborn "gotta catch them all" in English, just specifically about Starship X-Naut.
- "comics should never be removed from the sleeves" was originally "I cover my comics neatly", which is a more reasonable version of the same activity.
- "Role-playing games should be no less than 180 hours long" is entirely original, as well. I guess the localisers hate that opinion more than the original writers.
- The comment on not caring about a stylish outfit because he has his basics was changed to a comment about fanny packs in particular. I assume this opinion is more common than having it come from Francis's mouth makes it sound.
- "Hot babes are totally hi-technicaaaal" is original. They probably replaced it because the next question is so identical, but still.
- The question about games he hasn't played specifies "over three". Why such a small number, anyway?
- The JP has a question about "regret buying rather than regret not buying". At least you can recoup your costs?
- Liking the idea of splurging like you wanted as a child... I wish. Don't let that little part of you die.
- I do like the inclusion of dumping a friend over fiction arguments.
- The question about the cover specifies the medium, although I'm going to prefer the original JP character to the translation provided by Super Mario Wiki.
- Francis's annoying habit of not taking the top comic is personal, rather than specifying looking for a mint one. Still seems like a waste.
- ...Is that last one an actual JP proverb?
Massaging Francis's ego causes the kitty to spawn a door from its mouth.
All right, so what if we switch to Mario?
...Turns out you can still look in the keyhole. Time to check the textdump to see how many dialogues he has about his camera...
Nerrrrrrrrrrr! With my new 1,600 mm lens, I could shoot candid shots from orbit. If I wanted.
Nerrrrherrrrrherrr! This lens has pretty much the schweetest aperture ever. We're talking an f-stop of 5.6 here...
Nerrrherrrherrrherrrrrr! This camera sports a phase-interpolating Hyper CCD, did you know that? It means I can accurately capture all 22 quadrillion colors in your wings.
Nerrrrrrrrrrher! The shutter speed on this camera is faster than any other model in existence. Zero to 3,200 pictures in less than 0.26 seconds. Actually, 0.26789 repeating.
Nerrrrr herrrrrrrr! It's quite impossible to take a blurry shot with this glorious camera. One time, I shot a picture while being given a wedgie. It was crystal clear!
Nerrrr nerrrr nerrr nerrrr! This camera has a high-powered processor inside for superior noise reduction. The fuzzy-logic AI adjusts white balance to perfection. Isn't that fascinating?!
Nerr nerrrrrrr! Don't worry, this beauty has enough battery charge to power a small nation. I have enough charge to take pictures of you for the next 126 years.
Nerrrherrrrherrrrr! With my new digital 98789p widescreen projector... I can take a picture of your wings and project it onto the side of my whole castle!
...I don't think any species on the planet has an eyeball that demands that much horsepower for a camera. There's conspicuous spending, and then there's this.
If you try to enter the door with Mario or Bowser, you will again be sentenced to the kitty lasers.
Fortunately, the door is back for Peach.
Francis, we're here.
Says the chameleon wanted on a count of kidnapping.
Peach, since the game is 100% aware you have to be Peach for this cutscene, gets some actual dialogue for it.
...Although she has chosen to phrase herself remarkably poorly.
The joke, of course...
Being that Francis takes the chance to confuse Peach's angry butt-kicking line with a line about wanting to start a relationship. Either that or he is that starved for attention from the fairer sex.
Shoutouts to the dialogue tail pointed so far away from Francis's mouth that it looks more like Peach is saying it.
Francis: "I never thought I'd make it this far.
...Please don't say that ever again.
This line got really screwed up by the change from "fannypack" to "bum bag"- they didn't add a new pun in for the Europeans.
...Wait, you keep that in a bum bag? I can hardly keep mine in a normal backpack!
Welcome to Francis's nerd-to-girl interface, Swoon.exe. Because really, Francis doesn't know how to hold a conversation without the interface of a dating sim to guide him. This is why you need to write more fan fiction.
Swoon.exe background track. It's what you'd expect.
That doesn't answer Peach's question, but I think it gives her enough of the gist of it.
Francis, you're going to have to do something on your end.
Francis looks through his surprisingly varied list of options, and lands on the only one that actually involves talking to the woman you are trying to woo. I don't know how to tell you this, Francis, but I think you got scammed somewhere.
...Yeah. This guy is an absolute goner.
You, the player, can freely choose which option you want Peach to select. You will progress through the sequence identically regardless of which one- once again, it's just a matter of which joke you want to laugh at this playthrough.
With her responses to the other two options in mind, I think Francis doesn't actually get to hear her quip about "you can call me annoyed". Which is a shame, because this response does not communicate the same thought, although it does convey the same mood.
Francis has apparently talked to so few women that rejection is surprising to him. Living alone in a castle and disappearing can do that.
"Francis actually found that kinda hot." Peach is not a particularly dominating presence, although Paper Peach could probably pull it off.
Peach: "Oh, me? I... I'm Peach."
Francis: "Peach? Why, that name is just peachy. Heh! I bet you've never heard that one! Oh... I'm just drooling at the sound of it..."
Help: You received a straight answer. Francis's passion leveled up!
Peach: "If you are going to ask someone's name, shouldn't you introduce yourself first?"
Francis: "Oh, yeah... Sorry about that. I'm Francis, master of this castle." (Ooh, she's a real stickler for etiquette. Reminds me of my mother...)
Help: Francis remembered his dear old mama! Francis's passion leveled up!
The first option makes him the most unoriginal prick Peach has ever had the misfortune of being stuck dating, while the second option makes Francis's feelings... oedipedal. Let's move on.
Francis's movement through the menu is erratic, and this time, he hovers over the "Smooch" button for five horrifying seconds before he finally decides to choose a more appropriate action.
..."More" does not mean "actually appropriate."
No one tell him, it would break his brain.
...OK, now that I'm done barfing, I'm only able to suppress my "what, Peach is feisty?" instinct by remembering Peach is very feisty as Paper Peach. I can only imagine what the platformer incarnation of Peach would be thinking being stuck in here.
I think the real power of Swoon.exe is making the options Peach has more and more receptive to Francis's offerings.
Once again, Peach is one E10+ rating away from shoving her heels up some part of his body. She hasn't decided which one.
And once again, Francis's response is to discover newfound feelings of liking femdom.
Not that you have to prove your credentials to Francis, but one of these days, I'm going to have to ask why you're not the queen and who is acting in that position. As far as I can tell, you do basically everything the King/Queen does except the paperwork.
I don't think Peach is capable of not being supercute.
...Eh, I don't really like her Mario & Luigi model for 3DS.
...His charisma went up?
Peach: "Am I really that cute? Tee hee. You're making me blush!"
Francis: "Snifffffff... Oh and you... you smell preeetty. What an... intoxicating fragrance!"
Help: Francis is enchanted! Francis's stress level is down! Francis's passion leveled up!
Peach: You're quite the sweet talker, Francis."
Francis: "Aww... Gee, th-thanks!"
Peach: "I bet you say those things to all the girls, don't you?"
Francis: "Oh, not at all! You're... the first! ...At least, th-the first one that wasn't AI controlled...
Help: You gave a compliment! Francis's ego leveled up! Francis's passion leveled up!
The first option is very obviously creepy, the second option is normal until Francis hits you with a bucket of ice water.
Eventually, Francis navigates his way into checking out his inventory.
...The best stuff is the stuff Francis has on his person. Presumably, all inside that Frannypack.
Are we sure it's all still in mint condition?
Francis actually considers giving her the Rare Card Collection, switching between the two, before settling on the Pink Princess poster. I don't think the game is clear about what's actually on it, although I like the suggestion this is a shoutout to the Ace Attorney series.
...Compared to last time, the options are a little less favourable for Francis.
Peach: "If I wanted to see a pink princess, I'd look in a mirror."
...We should consider telling him.
In all three options, you give the poster back before you escape Swoon.exe.
Peach: "Oh, thank you! It's gorgeous!"
Francis: "You really like it? I knew a hottie like you would pick up on how premium this poster is. I got this baby at a totally hi-technical 'Pink Princess' anime event. I was going to get a CD, but I freaked when I saw this super-rare poster! The voice actor for the princess AND the director signed it, as you can see. As I'm quite sure you know, the director changed after season three, so it's rare. Plus, look here! The logo was done in extra-premium gold holographic foil! And the paper, oh man, it's UV resistant! So you never have to worry about fading. I could stick it on some backing board for you. How's that sound?"
Peach: "Umm... Yeah. Sounds... great?" (What is he talking about?!)
Francis: "O-OK, you got it. Let me just take this guy back for a few minutes then, OK?"
Help: Peach returned the poster. Francis's satisfaction leveled up! Francis's passion leveled up!
Peach: "Nice thought, but I don't have time for that. The universe is being destroyed!"
Francis: "Destroyed...? Oh, I get it! You're so funny! You're talking about that farm anime, 'Cowpocalypse'! I'm hooked on it, too! Different farming factions vying for control of a sword that can destroy the world? They use real swordsmen to advise on the action scenes, so they're super realistic! Don't you love it when the studios pay attention to important details like that? I can't believe you're into that! You have such awesome taste. When the DVD comes out, I'll buy it for you! You'd love that, huh?"
Peach: "Oh... Yeah... Thanks." (What is he talking about?!)
Help: Peach returned the poster. Francis is impressed! Francis's passion leveled up!
Francis gets equally convinced of Peach's deeply hidden nerdiness with the other two options, but gushes for a lot longer in both. Peach is good at listening to people, but even she has her limits. Somehow, neither option explains what exactly the poster is of. (If it's Ace Attorney, that means he got Sal Manella's signature...)
Sorry, mate, the real swordsmen are there to make sure the actors don't chop anyone's heads off, not to make it look realistic.
...Oh crap.
Francis, mate, just three questions ago you were asking for her name.
And you did not receive it.
This question is so overwhelmingly stupid that even Swoon.exe hits its limit. Peach is stuck with three absolutely inappropriate responses, and cannot give her real response. With that said, there is one question I am dying to ask...
Francis, how much do you make?
No matter which option you pick for question four, Peach realises that this entire thing is a farce and starts trying to get the hell out of this ridiculous situation on her own. To be fair to us, we have not exactly had a lot of access to our own inventory.
Peach states her demands.
And Francis does not recognise the name. He has no idea what we're talking about.
He scrolls through a bunch of his options and has his own personal blue screen moment.
And he's still got an angry girl bearing down on him.
I'd feel bad, but it turns out the explanation for this absolves him of all sympathy.
Peach goes for the nuclear option.
Directly for it. She doesn't fudge around with her cursor one jot, and moves so fast it was hard for me to catch her scroll down onto Boomer. What, exactly, is in the contents of "Makeup" and "Snacks" is something I'd love to know. Honestly, the other three options, too.
(As an interesting sidenote, it is possible to acquire one of the three optional Pixls by this point in the story. If you have done so, his name will appear at the end of this list in Swoon.exe, too.)
That's one way to make a computer overheat.
...I love a girl who resorts to explosives.
As a side note, since I didn't get them because I took the girl power routes, but I think these animations Peach has are unique to other routes of Swoon.exe. Then again, her angry animation is different from her angry animation in the real world, so it wasn't that much extra. Peach will swoon for the final question on both other answers for the proposal, as well as when she's preening about being called cute. She'll tilt her head back both when she's confused by his rambles about Pink Princess and Cowpocalypse... and also when she's flattering his lady-killing skills in the second question.
Anyway, back to having blown Swoon.exe exactly where it belongs.
...
That is not how patches work. Unless Francis designed it himself and never uploaded it to the Internet or one of the backup drives that I hope a nerd who lives in a castle this big has.
Now, let's ignore whatever the hell that was and get right down to business.
As opposed to?
...
Yeah, we haven't given a damn where the Pure Heart happened to be all mission.
...He named her. He's attached. We're screwed.
(As far as I can tell, the original version doesn't call her a Francis knock-off name, but rather
ジャスミン "Jasmine", where Tippi's name is アンナ "Anna". Francis's original name カメレゴン is a combination of chameleon and polygon, so maybe it wouldn't have landed?)
Are you going to pick a fight, nerd?
...No. With all due apologies to anyone with the name Francine.
Do none of them know what Pixls are?
...Actually, on second thought, even if they did, I doubt they'd realise Tippi's one.
Has... has she said anything remotely friendly?
I guess Peach didn't and he tried to marry her, this whole "offline friendship" thing seems to be alien to him. Then again, it's not like he's any stranger to aliens.
Look at that, Francis, is that what we do to our friends?
Francis turns invisible, ready for an actually somewhat tricky battle.
The boss theme has already started, and for a battle against a giant embarrassing caricature of half the fanbase, it may be one of the neater battle themes in the game. Unlike Tubba Blubba and Rawk Hawk's themes, though, this one has actual competition. (Well, less Tubba.)
What the hell is in that show?
That geeky chameleon is Francis. He's a little obsessive about his hobbies... Max HP is 40. Attack is 1. He can also make himself invisible... You can't hit what you can't see, so wait for him to reappear... But he is still there. Look at the floor and find his shadow...
Yes, despite being Tippi's jailer, he does have a Tattle available. I have, however, cut the tail end off. Francis turns himself completely invisible and intangible, appearing only to perform one of three attacks, and you have to quickly ambush him in that time. He's not... awful (although some of those attacks can make things cramped), but he will probably take some time.
Mario/Peach bonks:
- Atk 3: 14 bonks
- Atk 4: 10 bonks
- Atk 5: 8 bonks
Bowser bonks, Mario/Peach Boomer/Thudley:
- Atk 3: 7 hits
- Atk 4: 5 hits
- Atk 5: 4 hits
Bowser Boomer/Thudley:
- Atk 3: 4 hits
- Atk 4: 3 hits
- Atk 5: 2 hits
...I think that list says volumes about the power of Bowser to completely trivialise the game (and particularly Bowser + Carrie, which makes Bowser bonks equally as easy as Mario/Peach ones). An underlevelled Bowser can kill Francis faster than an overlevelled Peach.
Anyway, about what Tippi was saying: While in 3D, you can see Francis's shadow and track his movement. Be wary of the Flip Gauge and this is probably the way to go.
Not that Peach is too worried.
...Ew. Get that tentacle out of there. Francis can attempt to swallow you, requiring a quick motion controlled minigame.
I'm not sure if he has a damage cap before he spits you out automatically or he'll 25-0 you.
Another of his attacks is to summon the Meowbombs of SurpriseMeows to make the room more cluttered. Remember they do 2 damage each.
I'm not entirely sure Stylish is the way to go against someone who'd love a look up Peach's skirt.
His third attack is to snap a pic, blinding the player if you don't bonk him first. The dull-white makes it not as seizure-y, but it still kinda sucks.
3000 points for the finishing blow? That's a little more like it.
On defeat, Francis falls over, like any other boss.
Before getting up and crying as he runs to the door.
I think later dialogue implies he goes to the hospital for this. I'd feel bad, but I kinda blew up a dragon and beached a giant squid.
Right, let's rescue our little helper fairy.
I'm not entirely sure how to explain this, but Tippi's had a cold and emotionless portrayal thus far throughout her dialogue, and Mario's selfless heroism ignoring that Peach did most of the work has genuinely touched her. I think this is important to the story, although it's been a relatively subtle shift and will continue to be more subtle in implementation as it goes on, since Tippi's major story role is something else entirely.
Tippi gets so awash with joy that something... strange happens.
She spontaneously spawns the Pure Heart.
This is the first of the Pure Hearts to show an explicit expression of love associated with where it is kept and how it is acquired, in this case loyalty to one's friends. In doing so, they also kinda muddle the idea of where exactly this was, physically, within the world's space- we know Tippi didn't spontaneously spawn it. Admittedly, with that said, the idea that Pure Hearts can be summoned from wherever they happen to physically be to a place where they are needed comes up again later, so I suspect this is the writers attempting to foreshadow that.
Well, Francis didn't seem to know he had it, if he ever did at all, and since it's here...
Let's acquire a Pure Heart! (Down in front, Mario, your special effects are obscuring the real heroine).
The fourth Pure Heart appeared in a dazzling flash of mysterious light. What made it appear? The group was puzzled by this and many other riddles. "...So you're not hurt?" asked Tippi, full of concern. Somehow, Tippi seemed different than before. She had started to change. Mario simply shook his head and started the long journey back to Flipside...
You mean he reached into his pocket and pulled out the Return Pipe, right? Glad the game doesn't seem any more clear about the plot points it just dropped than we are.
Next time: Housekeeping.
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